Childhood

Things that didn’t make sense when I was a kid (and to be honest still kind of don’t) –

1. The significance of numbers on sports jerseys
2. Why, if there is an incredibly long line at a store, you can’t just pick up what you want, throw more than that amount of cash onto the register, and walk out
3. How sea cucumbers vomit up all of their internal organs as a decoy and survive to make more
4. Rap music
5. Why you can’t use your textbook during a test
6. Spam (the canned meat)
7. How do several thousand/million ton metal objects stay in the sky (airplanes) or above water (boats)
8. Belly buttons

The Customer Is Always An Idiot

Why is stellar customer service so incredibly effective? It is almost as if I forget the person is being so nice to me because I have already paid them or they are hoping to make some/a little/a lot of money off of me. It is almost as if I forget what it was like to be a personal shopper myself.

Suddenly I think:

Yes! I DO look amazing in this dress!
Yes! I CAN afford to buy 9 colors of nail polish right now!
How have I lived this long WITHOUT this insanely sophisticated cell phone??

Thank you for convincing me to spend what little money I have on completely useless shit. Really, thank you.

Why I Deserve to Be Fat

Last night I went to the gym. It was my first time at a new gym, so I didn't really have a routine yet. I got into the locker room (which was a little skuzzy), and began to change into comfy workout clothes. It then occurred to me that I did not have a padlock for one of the many lockers. Obviously I was not about to leave my purse inside the locker of a skuzzy locker room, that is just asking for trouble. So I resolved to continue changing and bring my stuff back to my car when I was done.

Then I realized I had no socks. I had no lock and no socks. So I finished changing, put my bare feet into running shoes – ick – and began the walk back to my car.

The walk back to my car is long. At least 3 minutes long. So obviously I got to my car, said “fuck it” and drove home. And ate 4 scones in the car.

(Please see entry title)

Small Fish, Big Castle

I regretfully inform the milleniallity readership that Solomon (Sol) Jose passed in the early morning on Sunday, October 10, 2010.

He was a good betta fish, and he will be remembered. Whether he was sucking tiny fish food pellets into his mouth and then spitting them back out, playing with a laser pointer, or just hanging out, he was spreading joy with every little glub and bloop.

I would also recommend to all current and future betta owners, consider the size of your castle before you purchase. Apparently, it is possible for them to be too big.

My Very Own Nobel

I think one of my greatest skills is the ability to dramatically, accurately, and humorously (when appropriate) recount each and every episode of “Intervention” ever produced. I bring people together, engaging them in a dialogue about substance abuse and the inherent entertainment value of Christy, and her naked, satanic, geometry proofs or Allison and her huffing-induced vocal gymnastics.
I maintain a delicate balance between genuine compassion and giddy enthusiasm, and I take you along for the ride. Pretty sure I should’ve gotten the Nobel today. Well deserved self.

My So Called Talent

Thank god I am not a musician. Besides lacking the more obvious talents (ability to play an instrument, read music, sing on key), I am severely lacking in the department of heartbreak. Both giving and receiving. I feel fairly confident in saying my heart has never really been broken, and I would hazard a guess that I have not broken any hearts either.

Nobody with my life would ever write a song because they would be called things like:

“The Brown Spot On My Banana This Morning”

“I Bet You Can’t Do Data Entry This Fast”

“Holy Hell I Just Stubbed My Toe So Bad”

“If My Mom Drunk Dials Me One More Time, I Swear…”

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Annnnnd… we’re back!

Yes, all 5 of my blog-readers (and closest friends), I have not been writing as often as I should have (or at all). This is due mainly to my profound propensity for laziness. A laziness that is really unrivaled in all my experiences and travels. Of course as part of this laziness, there is a preoccupation with making excuses so I should also probably mention I had consumption.

Yup, you read that correctly – consumption. Consumption of the Jane Austen, John Keats, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, “get yourself off the cold, damp, coast of England to hotter, dryer climes” variety of consumption. My eyeballs nearly melted and dripped out of my skull from fever and so I didn’t really feel like sharing my thoughts (such as: ouch, ouch, cough, cough, holy shit I’m tired) with you lot.

And apparently writing in a blog is much like going to the gym or any other activity that is hard to do but ultimately rewarding, in that if you fall out of the habit, it is nearly impossible to take it up again. So in conclusion:

1. lazy

2. consumption

3. lazy

4. I missed you guys too.