Confessions of A Child Psychopath

This isn't Squeaky, but she kinda looked like this.

When I was little, I really wanted a guinea pig. Like really a lot. Whatever you’re thinking in terms of desire, add about a kabillion.


But my parents were adamantly anti-guinea pig. Aren’t parents just the worst sometimes? I can still feel my 4.5-year-old seething rage at their blatant disregard for my true happiness and fulfillment as a human being.


About this same time, my parents got a nice leather recliner and ottoman. I mean, it was nice for the 80s. I can still picture it, and it was pretty hideous. It may not have even been nice for the 80s now that I think about it...


I’m 4 and a half, I want a guinea pig, have been told no, and my parents have this new chair. So I do what any self-respecting almost 5 year old would, I grab a knife from the kitchen and stab about 40 holes in the chair.


I have since interviewed my mother regarding her feelings surrounding this event, and she candidly told me, “We were pretty scared. I don’t think we even really got mad, we were too freaked out”.


And guess who got Squeaky??