How to Conquer a Mental Breakdown

Picture me strutting my stuff. You're welcome.

Some helpful steps to avoid the consequences of really letting your mind go to that place where it probably shouldn’t go. Consequences such as: jail, the psych ward, ugly tattoos, and, God forbid, unwanted children.

1. Shopping. Okay so probably not the “healthiest” option per se, but honestly, is there anything more calming than a mission out into the real world to find the perfect... cell phone cover? Nail file? Coaster set? It really doesn’t have to be a necessity. In fact, sometimes, the more trivial the better (I’m looking at you rear-view mirror ornament)!

2. Vitamin D. More healthy, but in moderation. Sounds cliche but, come onnnnnn, who doesn’t like sunshine?!? Okay, vampires is a fair point. But I’m assuming my readership doesn’t have a huge vampire component. Just in case though: Hayyyyyyyyyyy vampires! I’m a big fan of your work! Comment me if you want to have some True Blood-style sexy fun time in a big pool of blood!

3. Baking. And yes, I’m larger than the average bear, but who cares?? If you have to choose between Googling “Molotov cocktail” and the potential ramifications of mass murder/maiming and chocolate/white chocolate/espresso cookies, I think the caloric choice is the better one every time.

4. Selecting a home improvement project. Notice I didn’t say you necessarily need to complete said project. But how fun is it to surf the internets and cutesie blogs about stuff you can “easily” do to “revamp” your digs?? Plus, this often necessitates a trip to Home Depot, which, while it seems like I’m backtracking to suggestion #1, really brings us to...

5. Being the hottest person in Home Depot. Okay, so maybe this doesn’t work so well for dudes. Sorry dudes (but seriously, if you’re a dude reading my blog, get a life! Shouldn’t you be watching football or revving your engine or something?? Gross.). The sheer volume and force of positive feedback that washes over you as your shiny ponytail bounces down the absurdly wide aisles is enough to turn any frown upside-down. Plus I read that orange is a cheerful color or someshit.

So now if you’ll excuse me I need to run to the store. I just took some cookies out of the oven and I need to grab some lightbulbs real quick.