Rollin'

Remember these???

I think it might be time for another childhood anecdote ya’ll!

First off, you know how it is the job of children to try and kill themselves? Well as a wee one, I was very very serious about my career.

When I was about 6 or 7, my neighbor’s teenage son built a halfpipe. Do you know what a halfpipe is? You should. We all grew up in the 90s friends. It’s that absolutely terrifying wooden structure that total psychotic skateboarders use to try and get to the afterlife.

Well I thought this halfpipe next door looked SUPER neat. And even though I was little, I was not stupid. I knew I would absolutely never get permission to go on the thing. So I took my Little Tike velcro roller skates (you know the kind you put on ovvvvver your shoes??) to the neighbor’s, climbed the ladder to one ledge of the halfpipe, and strapped those skates on.

I know what you’re thinking. But this has a happy ending!! I’m writing this story on the internets for your enjoyment and I am using alllll my limbs and digits in the process. Toe typing. Get into it.

Anyways, about 2.5 inches into my downhill journey, I tipped Starboard and slid alll the way down and slightly up the other side on my right ankle-calf-hip-side-armpit.

I stood right up and took inventory. I still had both skates. And I was definitely alive. However, I had been transformed into a 6 year-old-sized, walking, humanoid splinter. It was hard to tell where I ended and the splinters began.

I began the 400 yard pilgrimage home and all I could think was “Goddammit. They are never gonna let me skate again.” Seriously, I was not yet conscious of the pain. But I walked through the front door, and I saw my mom, and my mom looked at me, and the look on her face said “Holy shit kid. That looks remarkably painful. I’m not sure how to proceed here”.

And that’s when I decided to cry. A lot.