Kanye's Peen

Lay

: i don't know i can't tell if its you know
: at attention or not
: it doesn't frighten me

Me

: hmmm
: were you expecting to be frightened?

Lay

: well it's kanye's penis

Me

: is amber there?

Lay

: apparently he sent a picture text to a lady friend
: i don't think they're together anymore?

Me

: oh
: well i feel like
: once you bone kanye
: when he feels like boning again
: whether you are "together" or not
: you just do that

Lay

: yeah i guess

Why Pumpkin Carving is the Business

1. You get to use your hands and touch creepy, gooey, gut-like substances which makes you feel for a few moments like you are not a grown-up
2. You get to saw at things that have a satisfying, hollow, reverberating sound to them
3. You get to put fire inside a vegetable to make art (who thought of this??)
4. Pumpkin seeds
5. Pumpkin pie
6. Standing in your driveway at 9:00 pm admiring your own creative prowess
7. Fun shit like ghosts and bats
8. Pumpkin seeds.

**Actual Ghost-Pumpkin 2010 pictured above. Booyah.

My Secret Skill

I am an athlete. Maybe not in the conventional sense, but my athleticism is derived from an innate skill, a true gift. The arena for my talent is limited, but each time I get to use it, I get a sense of true accomplishment and serenity.

From the toilet, I can sink my tampon wrapper into the trashcan EVERY time. Nothing. But. Net.

This skill is not celebrated as it should be. In fact, were I to bring this up in polite company, I would no doubt be ostracized. I want my day in the sun. But for now, I will just have to be content that I know my own secret. And now so do you 7. And anyone ingenious enough to search crap on the internet.

Death by Stupid or: How the Food Network Led to the Fall of Man

I recently enrolled in a baking class, and have come to witness yet another way in which TV (my first love) is causing society to degenerate. Goddamn cooking shows.

Look people, we all paid a lot of money to be here, there is no reason to be rushing around shoving each other, watering counters in vanilla extract and behaving as though eggs are New Year’s Eve poppers. And just because running with knives is super dangerous and tricky, does not mean it will be extra rewarding if you make it. It just makes you extra dumb.

Also I make a damn fine streusel muffin. Did I mention I’m getting fat?

The Undie Approximation

I just went to Austin, TX on business and it reminded me that I have an important packing tip to share with ya’ll (some Texan vernacular I picked up while in the region):

You can never pack too much underwear.

I don’t want to even get into the amount of crazy nonsense that can go wrong, requiring you to change your undies, but let’s just say when you get home after a trip where you had too much BBQ and sweet tea, got into a cab in the middle of nowhere, took said cab down a dark, winding road for 40 minutes while your cab driver spouts political ideology in a Borat-esque accent causing you to laugh so hard you pee your pants a little… you aren’t going to go to unpack and say to yourself “Ef. I packed too much underwear”.

Here’s why I don’t care about your boyfriend

1. He’s your boyfriend

2. He’s not my boyfriend

3. You get to have sex on a regular basis

4. Whatever it is, it’s probably your fault (quit harassing the poor guy)

5. Unless he’s actually beating you, anything he does is worth an automatic date to work functions/family functions/casual acquaintances’ birthdays/religious events

6. At some point, because of him, I will have to watch/hear/be exposed to sports

7. You make nauseating faces when you check your text messages

8. Please see 3.

Evolving Elevators

Other people at work may wonder - why does she park directly next to the elevator on the first floor of the parking structure? Convenience mainly, but also something more. People get all ambitious taking the stairs at work, choosing stairs at the mall, purposefully parking farther away than necessary to ensure they get the maximum amount of “exercise” in their day.

Really though, this is akin to slapping evolution in the face. Millions of years ago an amoeba emerged from the primordial ooze, then there were chimps, then us (dinosaurs and mammoths were in there somewhere as well). And then one day, one of us invented the goddamn elevator. A tiny room that transports you where you want to go, while you just stand there. And you are going to purposefully avoid it?? I hope a chimp spanks you with a tree branch. I’m a better human than you.