Pour Me A River

The hardest thing about wine tasting? Pouring out the wine. 

Intellectually, I understand that if you're planning on going to more than one location and trying a few glasses of wine, you will inevitably get sloshed. 

But here's the thing, I paid for that wine, homie - and it tastes real good. And I'm not pouring it out. Cause that's just dumb.

B to the D to the ayyyyyyy

Birthdays are annoying because of social norms. Apparently it's not kosher to scream at everyone "but it's my fucking birthday!!"

Standing in a long line to buy chips & guacamole (lunch), when the guy where I buy ice tea doesn't make eye contact while handing me change, when someone cuts me off on the freeway. 

I feel irrationally angry that perfect strangers don't stop what they're doing to wish me a great day, and do really special, kind things basically constantly throughout the entire part of June 23rd that I'm conscious. 

I have a goddamn aura of sparkly rainbow birthday sunshine around me! Assholes.

Happy Happy... Happy

On this, the eve of my 25th birthday, I've been doing some thinking. Thinking about things like:

• How I just quit my job, which seemed like a really good idea at the time but now when people ask me what I do, I have to cheerily say "I'm unemployed!"
• How when I meet new people I like to say that I have two elderly roommates and make it sound really creepy (they keep pictures of me everywhere...) and get them all weirded out to the point they stop responding before I just relent and say these roommates actually created me as a human being.
• How when I was in elementary school and we'd play "Grown Ups" I'd always say I was 23 - and I'd have a husband, several children and a house.
• How I sometimes wonder why I don't have a boyfriend, but when guys buy me drinks in bars I have been known to say "Good Evening Mr. Douchepants" - but I always finish the drink.
• How when I was 4 I told my mom I wanted to be a man when I grew up (mans don't cry).
• How I never got a single detention in school, but turns out - nobody gives a shit.
• How at least I figured out I better pluck my effing unibrow or I'd have no friends.

Dear god I feel old.

The Ice Cream Dilemma

You know when you go to Target to buy a new bathing suit because you look too fat in all of yours? 

And because you're really goddamn lazy you don't even try it on in the store. And so when you get home you think, perhaps it would be prudent to try it on. And while you're trying it on, you give yourself a pep talk saying things like "I'm not really all that fat" and "I eat really healthily, what else can I do?". 

And then you remember that you left a bowl of ice cream on your bedside table and get really excited to eat it. And then you accidentally walk past a mirror, while wearing a bikini while eating ice cream at your parents house where you live because you are unemployed. 

And then you just give up.

The Positive Spin

I love watching Teen Mom because I can think of my celibacy as responsibility.

Floor Warden My Patootie

I just received an email from the Facilities/Maintenance Department at work “Congratulating” me on becoming a Floor Warden. In case you were wondering, that means I have the privilege of being responsible for evacuating my area and doling out CPR in the event of an emergency.

1. Don’t congratulate me like I nominated myself, lobbied hard, and then earned a sweet sweet victory.

2. Looking at this list, it appears the Floor Wardens are the assistants in each department, coincidence?

3. So what you’re telling me is you are putting the lives of the important, grossly overpaid, verging on non-human executives in the hands of their subjugated, underpaid underlings.

Ummm, okay. You’re on. 

This is Zit

Have you ever gone on a YouTube binge, watching truly disgusting zit popping videos that are apparently so "Mature" you have to create a Login, and then you forget you are still logged in when your co-workers gather around your computer to watch a completely innocuous pop video and your intern says "Why does it say 'Recommended Videos' ‘World’s Biggest Zit’??"

Oh, you haven't?

Ya, me either.