The Positive Spin

I love watching Teen Mom because I can think of my celibacy as responsibility.

Floor Warden My Patootie

I just received an email from the Facilities/Maintenance Department at work “Congratulating” me on becoming a Floor Warden. In case you were wondering, that means I have the privilege of being responsible for evacuating my area and doling out CPR in the event of an emergency.

1. Don’t congratulate me like I nominated myself, lobbied hard, and then earned a sweet sweet victory.

2. Looking at this list, it appears the Floor Wardens are the assistants in each department, coincidence?

3. So what you’re telling me is you are putting the lives of the important, grossly overpaid, verging on non-human executives in the hands of their subjugated, underpaid underlings.

Ummm, okay. You’re on. 

This is Zit

Have you ever gone on a YouTube binge, watching truly disgusting zit popping videos that are apparently so "Mature" you have to create a Login, and then you forget you are still logged in when your co-workers gather around your computer to watch a completely innocuous pop video and your intern says "Why does it say 'Recommended Videos' ‘World’s Biggest Zit’??"

Oh, you haven't?

Ya, me either.

Parental Bosses vs. Bossy Parents

I may not be a parent, but I have nannied, babysat, and lifeguarded many many many a time, and I can tell you truthfully – kids make your life hard. They are like really short crazy people who don’t want to let you do anything you want or need to do.

This is why people with children make the best bosses.

Confused? Consider this…

Your child was screaming until 2 am because they were not allowed to have a second popsicle after dinner. Not only did you not get to bed until 2, then you had a migraine. When you woke up, the tiny arm of hard plastic toy raptor pierced your foot on the way to the bathroom. The sink is clogged. The shower is clogged. The toilet is clogged.

What’s that? Your assistant forgot to CC someone on that last email? No big. You’re going to go wipe that unknown substance off of the back of your pants now…

Oh – and because you’re probably wondering – no. My boss doesn’t have any kids. Or a husband. Or a pet. 

Facebook That Suckah

People complain that dating is complicated. But I say, Facebook has made dating easy peasy!

Let’s say you’re on a first date. Things are going very well. And in your head you are thinking “Hmmm, I think it’d be real nice if this person were my boyfriend”. So what do you do? You race home, log on to Facebook, and you click Edit Profile. Then you select “In a relationship” – and guess what?? You can just select the person from your friends! It sends them a request!

What’s that? They confirmed? Look’s like you have a boyfriend kiddo!

What’s that? They denied? Aw, well at least you didn't have to actually talk about it… 

The Art of Hate

If you are a person who uses the word “haters” on any type of regular basis, chances are, you’re a douchebag.

I mean think about it, you had to pluralize a noun that refers to a person who hates. Meaning, there’s an entire category of people who hate you.

That’s probably not a coincidence. 

Chocolate - 1, Me - 0

Here’s why I should stop wondering why I never lose weight:

1. I know how to make ganache (for you sad, uninformed individuals out there – this is liquid chocolate infused with fat in the form of heavy whipping cream and butter).
2. I have everything one needs to make ganache in my fridge.
3. When I run out of any ganachey ingredients I panic, and make sure to restock immediately. Even if I’m not making ganache that day.
4. Ganache is really interesting because you’d think it would separate (like salad dressing) because of all the fat and sugar in the liquid chocolate, but it doesn’t.
5. But I digress.
6. Also, I can make buttercream frosting from scratch.
7. I’m doomed.