Chocolate - 1, Me - 0

Here’s why I should stop wondering why I never lose weight:

1. I know how to make ganache (for you sad, uninformed individuals out there – this is liquid chocolate infused with fat in the form of heavy whipping cream and butter).
2. I have everything one needs to make ganache in my fridge.
3. When I run out of any ganachey ingredients I panic, and make sure to restock immediately. Even if I’m not making ganache that day.
4. Ganache is really interesting because you’d think it would separate (like salad dressing) because of all the fat and sugar in the liquid chocolate, but it doesn’t.
5. But I digress.
6. Also, I can make buttercream frosting from scratch.
7. I’m doomed.

Nailed It

Men – I feel bad for you. Because you will never experience the true joy and euphoria of watching perfectly painted nails glide across the keyboard with speed and agility. It’s enough to make you feel powerful and borderline famous. So guys of the world, when you’re feeling glum, glam up – with shiny amazing happy nail art. You can thank me later.

Too Ripe, Or Not Too Ripe

You know what’s weird? Waiting for things to ripen. How strange is it that you can pick something of a tree, bush, flower, or stalk and it can be TOO fresh. That actually doesn’t make any sense.

Ripening is Nature’s propaganda.

Also, I don’t like the word ripen.

Better Luck Next Time

Guys of the world - while I recognize the courage that it must take to go up to a girl and ask her out, there’s a right way to do it and a wrong way. An example of the wrong way, as demonstrated Friday evening at Coffee Bean:

INT. COFFEE BEAN – NIGHT

MAN SITS DOWN AT A TABLE WHERE SUPER CUTE CHICK IS READING A REALLY GOOD BOOK.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

Hey, can I sit down for a minute?

ME

Ummmm, you already did.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

I’m _________ (IMPOSSIBLE TO SPELL CRAZY PRETENTIOUS NAME)

ME

Heyyyyy. I’m _______.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

What are you up to this evening?

ME

(GESTURES TO BOOK) Reading?

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

I’m sorry, but you’re making me really nervous…

ME

(LOOKS UTTERLY CONFUSED AT THE STRANGER WHO JUST SAT DOWN UNINVITED)

Am… I?

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

(LOOKS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM)

Weird! That guy that just walked out of the bathroom is one of my graduate school professors!

ME

That is weird… You should probably go say hi.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

Nooooo, it’s okay. He’s not a very good professor.

ME

Alrighty.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

So, you’ve probably got a boyfriend or something right?

ME

(LYING FOR THE SAKE OF SAFETY)

Yup.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

Oh well, I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re attractive.

ME

Thanks, it’s nice to be attractive on a Friday.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND WALKS OUT OF THE COFFEE BEAN, HIS LONG BLACK CURLS BOUNCING WITH EACH STEP.

FADE OUT.

Socktastic Day

Do you ever just feel like your day is going better because your socks are so cute?

Like when your boss screams at you for printing the wrong document and what you want to say instead of “Sorry, it won’t happen again” is “Yaaaaaa?? Well what you don’t know is I’m wearing adorable beige socks with black Scotty doggies on them today! What do you have to say about that??”

So instead you just click your heels and smile as you walk away.

My Parents: A Study of the Origin of My Eccentricity

Picture breakdown:

(Pictured – broken iPhone charger)

Note:

Mom: This is busted.

Dad: Yes it is! Good job diagnosing.




**Seriously?

O. Henry

Sometimes I wish I could bring Henry with me throughout my day.

He could just chill in one of those new reusable plastic cups everyone has with a hard plastic straw. That way, he could experience the world right along with me.

But I kinda feel like I’d forget and drink his water. Which would be:

A) Gross
B) Devastating

So maybe not.