Pour Me A River

The hardest thing about wine tasting? Pouring out the wine. 

Intellectually, I understand that if you're planning on going to more than one location and trying a few glasses of wine, you will inevitably get sloshed. 

But here's the thing, I paid for that wine, homie - and it tastes real good. And I'm not pouring it out. Cause that's just dumb.

B to the D to the ayyyyyyy

Birthdays are annoying because of social norms. Apparently it's not kosher to scream at everyone "but it's my fucking birthday!!"

Standing in a long line to buy chips & guacamole (lunch), when the guy where I buy ice tea doesn't make eye contact while handing me change, when someone cuts me off on the freeway. 

I feel irrationally angry that perfect strangers don't stop what they're doing to wish me a great day, and do really special, kind things basically constantly throughout the entire part of June 23rd that I'm conscious. 

I have a goddamn aura of sparkly rainbow birthday sunshine around me! Assholes.

Happy Happy... Happy

On this, the eve of my 25th birthday, I've been doing some thinking. Thinking about things like:

• How I just quit my job, which seemed like a really good idea at the time but now when people ask me what I do, I have to cheerily say "I'm unemployed!"
• How when I meet new people I like to say that I have two elderly roommates and make it sound really creepy (they keep pictures of me everywhere...) and get them all weirded out to the point they stop responding before I just relent and say these roommates actually created me as a human being.
• How when I was in elementary school and we'd play "Grown Ups" I'd always say I was 23 - and I'd have a husband, several children and a house.
• How I sometimes wonder why I don't have a boyfriend, but when guys buy me drinks in bars I have been known to say "Good Evening Mr. Douchepants" - but I always finish the drink.
• How when I was 4 I told my mom I wanted to be a man when I grew up (mans don't cry).
• How I never got a single detention in school, but turns out - nobody gives a shit.
• How at least I figured out I better pluck my effing unibrow or I'd have no friends.

Dear god I feel old.

The Ice Cream Dilemma

You know when you go to Target to buy a new bathing suit because you look too fat in all of yours? 

And because you're really goddamn lazy you don't even try it on in the store. And so when you get home you think, perhaps it would be prudent to try it on. And while you're trying it on, you give yourself a pep talk saying things like "I'm not really all that fat" and "I eat really healthily, what else can I do?". 

And then you remember that you left a bowl of ice cream on your bedside table and get really excited to eat it. And then you accidentally walk past a mirror, while wearing a bikini while eating ice cream at your parents house where you live because you are unemployed. 

And then you just give up.

The Positive Spin

I love watching Teen Mom because I can think of my celibacy as responsibility.

Floor Warden My Patootie

I just received an email from the Facilities/Maintenance Department at work “Congratulating” me on becoming a Floor Warden. In case you were wondering, that means I have the privilege of being responsible for evacuating my area and doling out CPR in the event of an emergency.

1. Don’t congratulate me like I nominated myself, lobbied hard, and then earned a sweet sweet victory.

2. Looking at this list, it appears the Floor Wardens are the assistants in each department, coincidence?

3. So what you’re telling me is you are putting the lives of the important, grossly overpaid, verging on non-human executives in the hands of their subjugated, underpaid underlings.

Ummm, okay. You’re on. 

This is Zit

Have you ever gone on a YouTube binge, watching truly disgusting zit popping videos that are apparently so "Mature" you have to create a Login, and then you forget you are still logged in when your co-workers gather around your computer to watch a completely innocuous pop video and your intern says "Why does it say 'Recommended Videos' ‘World’s Biggest Zit’??"

Oh, you haven't?

Ya, me either.

Parental Bosses vs. Bossy Parents

I may not be a parent, but I have nannied, babysat, and lifeguarded many many many a time, and I can tell you truthfully – kids make your life hard. They are like really short crazy people who don’t want to let you do anything you want or need to do.

This is why people with children make the best bosses.

Confused? Consider this…

Your child was screaming until 2 am because they were not allowed to have a second popsicle after dinner. Not only did you not get to bed until 2, then you had a migraine. When you woke up, the tiny arm of hard plastic toy raptor pierced your foot on the way to the bathroom. The sink is clogged. The shower is clogged. The toilet is clogged.

What’s that? Your assistant forgot to CC someone on that last email? No big. You’re going to go wipe that unknown substance off of the back of your pants now…

Oh – and because you’re probably wondering – no. My boss doesn’t have any kids. Or a husband. Or a pet. 

Facebook That Suckah

People complain that dating is complicated. But I say, Facebook has made dating easy peasy!

Let’s say you’re on a first date. Things are going very well. And in your head you are thinking “Hmmm, I think it’d be real nice if this person were my boyfriend”. So what do you do? You race home, log on to Facebook, and you click Edit Profile. Then you select “In a relationship” – and guess what?? You can just select the person from your friends! It sends them a request!

What’s that? They confirmed? Look’s like you have a boyfriend kiddo!

What’s that? They denied? Aw, well at least you didn't have to actually talk about it… 

The Art of Hate

If you are a person who uses the word “haters” on any type of regular basis, chances are, you’re a douchebag.

I mean think about it, you had to pluralize a noun that refers to a person who hates. Meaning, there’s an entire category of people who hate you.

That’s probably not a coincidence. 

Chocolate - 1, Me - 0

Here’s why I should stop wondering why I never lose weight:

1. I know how to make ganache (for you sad, uninformed individuals out there – this is liquid chocolate infused with fat in the form of heavy whipping cream and butter).
2. I have everything one needs to make ganache in my fridge.
3. When I run out of any ganachey ingredients I panic, and make sure to restock immediately. Even if I’m not making ganache that day.
4. Ganache is really interesting because you’d think it would separate (like salad dressing) because of all the fat and sugar in the liquid chocolate, but it doesn’t.
5. But I digress.
6. Also, I can make buttercream frosting from scratch.
7. I’m doomed.

Nailed It

Men – I feel bad for you. Because you will never experience the true joy and euphoria of watching perfectly painted nails glide across the keyboard with speed and agility. It’s enough to make you feel powerful and borderline famous. So guys of the world, when you’re feeling glum, glam up – with shiny amazing happy nail art. You can thank me later.

Too Ripe, Or Not Too Ripe

You know what’s weird? Waiting for things to ripen. How strange is it that you can pick something of a tree, bush, flower, or stalk and it can be TOO fresh. That actually doesn’t make any sense.

Ripening is Nature’s propaganda.

Also, I don’t like the word ripen.

Better Luck Next Time

Guys of the world - while I recognize the courage that it must take to go up to a girl and ask her out, there’s a right way to do it and a wrong way. An example of the wrong way, as demonstrated Friday evening at Coffee Bean:

INT. COFFEE BEAN – NIGHT

MAN SITS DOWN AT A TABLE WHERE SUPER CUTE CHICK IS READING A REALLY GOOD BOOK.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

Hey, can I sit down for a minute?

ME

Ummmm, you already did.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

I’m _________ (IMPOSSIBLE TO SPELL CRAZY PRETENTIOUS NAME)

ME

Heyyyyy. I’m _______.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

What are you up to this evening?

ME

(GESTURES TO BOOK) Reading?

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

I’m sorry, but you’re making me really nervous…

ME

(LOOKS UTTERLY CONFUSED AT THE STRANGER WHO JUST SAT DOWN UNINVITED)

Am… I?

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

(LOOKS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM)

Weird! That guy that just walked out of the bathroom is one of my graduate school professors!

ME

That is weird… You should probably go say hi.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

Nooooo, it’s okay. He’s not a very good professor.

ME

Alrighty.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

So, you’ve probably got a boyfriend or something right?

ME

(LYING FOR THE SAKE OF SAFETY)

Yup.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

Oh well, I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re attractive.

ME

Thanks, it’s nice to be attractive on a Friday.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND WALKS OUT OF THE COFFEE BEAN, HIS LONG BLACK CURLS BOUNCING WITH EACH STEP.

FADE OUT.

Socktastic Day

Do you ever just feel like your day is going better because your socks are so cute?

Like when your boss screams at you for printing the wrong document and what you want to say instead of “Sorry, it won’t happen again” is “Yaaaaaa?? Well what you don’t know is I’m wearing adorable beige socks with black Scotty doggies on them today! What do you have to say about that??”

So instead you just click your heels and smile as you walk away.

My Parents: A Study of the Origin of My Eccentricity

Picture breakdown:

(Pictured – broken iPhone charger)

Note:

Mom: This is busted.

Dad: Yes it is! Good job diagnosing.




**Seriously?

O. Henry

Sometimes I wish I could bring Henry with me throughout my day.

He could just chill in one of those new reusable plastic cups everyone has with a hard plastic straw. That way, he could experience the world right along with me.

But I kinda feel like I’d forget and drink his water. Which would be:

A) Gross
B) Devastating

So maybe not.

I Love My Mom. NOT James Franco.

Email 2:08 PM

Subject: WHY IS GOD TRYING TO RUIN ALL GREAT THINGS WITH JAMES FRANCO???

From: Me

http://movies.ndtv.com/movie_story.aspx?Section=Movies&ID=ENTEN20110165710&subcatg=MOVIESINDIA&keyword=hollywood&nid=77411


Reply 3:41 PM

Subject: Re: WHY IS GOD TRYING TO RUIN ALL GREAT THINGS WITH JAMES FRANCO???
From: Mom

Just accept the fact that he is the devil and the devil is trying to take over the world, which is what the devil is always supposed to try to do. The higher they go the harder they fall. This can't go on forever.

Why I Am Actually 5 Years Old

I have been inhaling this spectacular cilantro dip (with carrots) all day.

My coworker just walked over and asked me why I was eating sour cream dip (because everybody knows that I hate sour cream). I said that I wasn’t, idiot. She said, why don’t you take a look at the ingredients? And look at that – sour cream was the first ingredient.

Now I have to throw it out. Because it’s disgusting.

Pretty Dumb

The clouds were so beautiful this morning it was stupid.

I couldn’t decide whether I would rather hop up on top of them and have a lengthy chit chat with God (we have some shit to work out), or pick them out of the sky to stir into what would become the most magical cup of hot chocolate in the history of time.

Thoughts?

Why Do I Keep NOT Winning the Goddamn Lottery?

But seriously, why?

I really really want to, not to mention I think I’d be really great at being rich.

I have a ton of ideas. Charities. Ya, I’d start some, give to some more. I’d make Bill Gates look like a jackass. Cancer, poverty, whatever – all solved.

Then I’d go shopping. I would buy insanely good looking clothes, art, houses, etc. Honestly, I have fantastic taste.

Then food. I’d get all of it. But I would also fund a machine that made me lose weight as soon as I ingested the food. So I’d still look great.

Lastly, an island. I would definitely need one to escape all the long lost family members while perfecting my tan. Skin cancer obviously wouldn’t be an issue because I’d have already funded the discovery of a cure.

So, Universe, I think I really deserve to win the lottery now. Ok? Great.

Bending the Truth

Me
: dang homie


: how do you know so much about gumby's sex life??



Friend: i follow him on twitter

Stop Being an Idiot

Dear Mr. Boehner,

Seriously, quit it.

Love,

America