Why Do I Keep NOT Winning the Goddamn Lottery?

But seriously, why?

I really really want to, not to mention I think I’d be really great at being rich.

I have a ton of ideas. Charities. Ya, I’d start some, give to some more. I’d make Bill Gates look like a jackass. Cancer, poverty, whatever – all solved.

Then I’d go shopping. I would buy insanely good looking clothes, art, houses, etc. Honestly, I have fantastic taste.

Then food. I’d get all of it. But I would also fund a machine that made me lose weight as soon as I ingested the food. So I’d still look great.

Lastly, an island. I would definitely need one to escape all the long lost family members while perfecting my tan. Skin cancer obviously wouldn’t be an issue because I’d have already funded the discovery of a cure.

So, Universe, I think I really deserve to win the lottery now. Ok? Great.