Bending the Truth

Me
: dang homie


: how do you know so much about gumby's sex life??



Friend: i follow him on twitter

Stop Being an Idiot

Dear Mr. Boehner,

Seriously, quit it.

Love,

America

The Hanukkah Nerd Strikes

On Wednesday, the last night of Hanukkah, my mom got me the all time nerdiest present that I have actually been longingly coveting for quite some time. A book weight. Yes, it sounds simple, but let us discuss this further.

It’s a beautiful leather oblong shaped item (my boss asked me if my mother had purchased me an S&M tool… the answer is no you sick freak – my mother and I have very different taste in S&M tools) with weights on either end and my initials embossed in the center. It holds your book open perfectly, leaving your hands to do a variety of important tasks while you read. Such as:

• Eat
• Pick your nose
• Play with your hair
• Text someone without losing your place in your book
• Eat

It is actually my favorite gift I can remember receiving in quite some time. So I say Chag Sameach to you Hanukkah Nerd!

Things That Are Embarrassing That You Didn’t Even Know You Should Be Worrying About

When you sit down too fast, and you are wearing a skirt, and your thighs literally slap together and make a loud “Clap!”, and everybody looks around and what you really want to say is “Oh, never you mind that, that was just my thighs applauding themselves for being so large and phonic” but what you actually do is look around frantically for a tiny clapping gnome.

When It's Okay to Look for Another Job at Work

1. When your entire department is at a meeting.
2. When your entire department is in the bathroom (trickier to determine and doesn’t happen very often).
3. On your iPhone during lunch.

4. When the rest of your department gets to travel and you are ordered to stay behind and man (even though you are a Woman) the office.
5. When your boss is in a really bad mood, taking it out on you, and sitting only feet away in her own office and you decide to tempt fate because “you HOPE you get caught and fired”.
6. Actually, probably never, I’m sure any computer person worth their salt could easily sneak a peek at absolutely everything you’re doing every day…

A Shout Out to Swaziland

Hey! If you are the person who keeps reading my blog every week from Swaziland, I just wanted to say “Hey!”

I think it’s just about the neatest thing about me that Swazilians (Swazimanians? Swazilites?) have read my words from their Land of Swaz.

Keep up the great reading.

Blarghhhh

I resolved to write at least 2 blog posts today, since I haven’t written in awhile, because I keep having too much goddamn work at work. And Lord knows I’m not blogging from home, I have better things to do people. Jeez.

Unfortunately, I have just ingested a ginormous fajita bowl, eaten entirely with chips (no fork necessary) in under 4 minutes and am now staring longingly at a foil tube of tortillas trying to figure out how to fit them into my bulging food receptacle. So to be frank, I am now far too full and sleepy to blog.

You’ll all just have to freaking deal.