Hair (the neck-kind)

I have a complex relationship with the thick black hair that grows out of the middle of my neck.

On the one hand, I admire its tenacity. Thicker and blacker than the rest of my hair, it has chosen a pore in the direct center of my neck to make its home. Were this hair on my head, people would complement me on the freakishly rapid growth of my thick, shiny locks. They would ask me what product I use and “tsk, tsk” when I told them my shampoo would whip their hair into shape, knowing I was just trying to ease the situation, believing my genes were just plain superior.

As it is, I am in a constant war with my tweezers; drawing blood on my quest to pull this hair out, root and all, pleading to a higher power this will be the last time I pluck the fertile jerk from the tender epidermal layer that softly covers my esophagus.

The battle is not over until I have purchased a turtle-neck. Scarves don’t count.

Tessellate

I am so glad that Subway recently mandated that all cheese slices in their establishment would be tessellated on each sandwich they made. Before the Great Tessellation you ran the risk of taking a bite completely devoid of cheese.

In a country where an average of 60% of our eligible citizens turn out to vote for President, it warms my heart that enough people spoke up about cheese-less bites to alter the policy of a 9 billion dollar sandwich franchise.

God Bless America. And cheese.

Monday

Ways to improve my boss’ mood on a Monday morning:

1. Make sure there is a ripe (but not too ripe) banana waiting on her desk when she gets in; an hour after I do.
2. Tell her that her hair looks good.
3. Tell her something this weekend reminded me of her, make sure that something is young and hip, prompting her to smile in an “I feel so included in your generation”-kind-of-way.
4. Tell her I like her blouse.
5. Ask her if she wants anything to eat (the more often I ask, the more likely she is to say “no” a few times, this makes her feel skinny).
6. Ask if I already told her that her hair looks good?
7. Remind her that it’s almost time for her to leave.
8. Get her out the door and promise there is nothing to worry about (3 hours before I leave).

Ouch

Can something be so cute it kills?

I am watching baby sloths play:
http://tv.gawker.com/5608524/a-closer-look-at-the-sloth-sanctuary-too-much-cuteness-to-handle

And I don’t understand how I can love a little creature, that I have never met, so much it makes my womb ache.

If I write them a really nice letter, will they FedEx me a baby sloth?

Since 9:00 am

Things that I have done today since 9:00 am and am already bored:

Got to work.
Checked my email.
Checked my voicemail.
Checked Facebook.
Checked Jezebel.com.
Checked Gilt.com.
Checked my email.
Checked Swirl.com.
YouTubed “Gary Busey endocrine system”.
YouTubed “Christian Bale vs. Mel Gibson”.
Googled “endocrine system”.
Checked my email.
Googled “murder rate Mexico”.
Googled “where does all the trash go”.
Googled “Lindsay Lohan rehab”.
Checked my email.

My boy Ernest

Me 2:39 pm
what do you think Hemingway and I would talk about if we were drunk in Paris together?

Lay 2:40 pm
hmm
i don't know

Me 2:40 pm
hopefully we'd just bone cause he was fiiiiine
our children would have CRAZY eyebrows though

Lay 2:50 pm
well thank god you've worked it out

Apocalypse soon

You know how the sun is constantly expanding and will turn into a red giant and burn out, but long before that happens it will singe the Earth back to an almost molten form?

While I realize estimates put that at about 5 million years from now, it kind of makes me not want to come to work in the morning.

Is that depression? Or just laziness?

I wish

I wish...

That Obama would invite me over to his house (the white one) for his birthday.

I would say things like “Fuckin A, Prop 8!” and he would say “Word”, and then we would clinkitty clink our glasses of chardonnay, and then Michelle would come to clear away the second empty bottle and just shake her head and smile and say “Oh you two...”

Sense of impending doom

Lay 1:46 PM

Whenever I feel desperate or dismal, I think its because there's a dementor passing by me and I just can't see.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Me 2:26 PM

There probably is...

- Show quoted text -

Orchid woes

I wish my boss would stop yelling at me because the orchid I got her for her birthday in May is dying. I don’t know how much water, sunlight, music and warmth this photosynthesizing retard needs, I thought that was going to be her problem.

Next time I will take into account the behavior and fertility of my gift before purchasing it.

I was definitely striving to spend my own money on additional responsibilities at the office.

Congrats self.

My contacts

Turned on me today. After 12 years of faithful, dedicated use the right one got ahold of a contact sized shank and shanked me in the iris. Every time I blinked. So of course, I started blinking at warp speed. And rubbing my eyelid. Which is smart because if blinking hurts it seems obvious that pushing would feel even better. All I wanted to do was take the stupid plastic asshole out, but I am legally blind and if I were to do that, I would not be able to get home again.

So then I started walking around to various people’s cubes and telling them about my issue, because that seemed like the logical next step. Eventually I switched to real problem solving mode: begging my sister to drive to my office and bring me my glasses. After a vow to allow her to torment me re:blindness she relented.

Me 10:29 am
you are super duper amazing

Lay 10:30 am
ok

Me 10:30 am
for realz
thi_____________________________________________________________________________________________________s amazing

Lay 10:31 am
ok

Me 10:31 am
i am taking out the menacing contact now in anticipation of your arrival

Lay 10:31 am
ok but it won't be for a while

Me 10:32 am
but i can't take it

Lay 10:33 am
you owe me for the rest of your life you blind bitch


That’s real love.