Too Ripe, Or Not Too Ripe

You know what’s weird? Waiting for things to ripen. How strange is it that you can pick something of a tree, bush, flower, or stalk and it can be TOO fresh. That actually doesn’t make any sense.

Ripening is Nature’s propaganda.

Also, I don’t like the word ripen.

Better Luck Next Time

Guys of the world - while I recognize the courage that it must take to go up to a girl and ask her out, there’s a right way to do it and a wrong way. An example of the wrong way, as demonstrated Friday evening at Coffee Bean:

INT. COFFEE BEAN – NIGHT

MAN SITS DOWN AT A TABLE WHERE SUPER CUTE CHICK IS READING A REALLY GOOD BOOK.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

Hey, can I sit down for a minute?

ME

Ummmm, you already did.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

I’m _________ (IMPOSSIBLE TO SPELL CRAZY PRETENTIOUS NAME)

ME

Heyyyyy. I’m _______.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

What are you up to this evening?

ME

(GESTURES TO BOOK) Reading?

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

I’m sorry, but you’re making me really nervous…

ME

(LOOKS UTTERLY CONFUSED AT THE STRANGER WHO JUST SAT DOWN UNINVITED)

Am… I?

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

(LOOKS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM)

Weird! That guy that just walked out of the bathroom is one of my graduate school professors!

ME

That is weird… You should probably go say hi.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

Nooooo, it’s okay. He’s not a very good professor.

ME

Alrighty.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

So, you’ve probably got a boyfriend or something right?

ME

(LYING FOR THE SAKE OF SAFETY)

Yup.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE

Oh well, I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re attractive.

ME

Thanks, it’s nice to be attractive on a Friday.

MIDDLE EASTERN JESUS LOOK-A-LIKE GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND WALKS OUT OF THE COFFEE BEAN, HIS LONG BLACK CURLS BOUNCING WITH EACH STEP.

FADE OUT.

Socktastic Day

Do you ever just feel like your day is going better because your socks are so cute?

Like when your boss screams at you for printing the wrong document and what you want to say instead of “Sorry, it won’t happen again” is “Yaaaaaa?? Well what you don’t know is I’m wearing adorable beige socks with black Scotty doggies on them today! What do you have to say about that??”

So instead you just click your heels and smile as you walk away.

My Parents: A Study of the Origin of My Eccentricity

Picture breakdown:

(Pictured – broken iPhone charger)

Note:

Mom: This is busted.

Dad: Yes it is! Good job diagnosing.




**Seriously?

O. Henry

Sometimes I wish I could bring Henry with me throughout my day.

He could just chill in one of those new reusable plastic cups everyone has with a hard plastic straw. That way, he could experience the world right along with me.

But I kinda feel like I’d forget and drink his water. Which would be:

A) Gross
B) Devastating

So maybe not.

I Love My Mom. NOT James Franco.

Email 2:08 PM

Subject: WHY IS GOD TRYING TO RUIN ALL GREAT THINGS WITH JAMES FRANCO???

From: Me

http://movies.ndtv.com/movie_story.aspx?Section=Movies&ID=ENTEN20110165710&subcatg=MOVIESINDIA&keyword=hollywood&nid=77411


Reply 3:41 PM

Subject: Re: WHY IS GOD TRYING TO RUIN ALL GREAT THINGS WITH JAMES FRANCO???
From: Mom

Just accept the fact that he is the devil and the devil is trying to take over the world, which is what the devil is always supposed to try to do. The higher they go the harder they fall. This can't go on forever.

Why I Am Actually 5 Years Old

I have been inhaling this spectacular cilantro dip (with carrots) all day.

My coworker just walked over and asked me why I was eating sour cream dip (because everybody knows that I hate sour cream). I said that I wasn’t, idiot. She said, why don’t you take a look at the ingredients? And look at that – sour cream was the first ingredient.

Now I have to throw it out. Because it’s disgusting.

Pretty Dumb

The clouds were so beautiful this morning it was stupid.

I couldn’t decide whether I would rather hop up on top of them and have a lengthy chit chat with God (we have some shit to work out), or pick them out of the sky to stir into what would become the most magical cup of hot chocolate in the history of time.

Thoughts?

Why Do I Keep NOT Winning the Goddamn Lottery?

But seriously, why?

I really really want to, not to mention I think I’d be really great at being rich.

I have a ton of ideas. Charities. Ya, I’d start some, give to some more. I’d make Bill Gates look like a jackass. Cancer, poverty, whatever – all solved.

Then I’d go shopping. I would buy insanely good looking clothes, art, houses, etc. Honestly, I have fantastic taste.

Then food. I’d get all of it. But I would also fund a machine that made me lose weight as soon as I ingested the food. So I’d still look great.

Lastly, an island. I would definitely need one to escape all the long lost family members while perfecting my tan. Skin cancer obviously wouldn’t be an issue because I’d have already funded the discovery of a cure.

So, Universe, I think I really deserve to win the lottery now. Ok? Great.

Bending the Truth

Me
: dang homie


: how do you know so much about gumby's sex life??



Friend: i follow him on twitter

Stop Being an Idiot

Dear Mr. Boehner,

Seriously, quit it.

Love,

America