Oh, Hai.

This is where I work now. It's okay to be jealous.

Um, hey guys.

So, ya, it’s been awhile.

I’m really sorry it’s just that I’m super, you know - selfish and lazy. Which are two things I constantly strive to both hide from the world and occasionally resolve to improve about myself.

So much to catch up on in the last, holy shit, almost year.

10 Fabulous Updates:

1. I got a job and moved to Central California to work in a winery and it is honestly the best. For you burgeoning alcoholics out there, the answer is: yes! You can realize your dreams of drinking professionally, now go out there and drink your way to the top my little pals!

2. I live in a tiny house all of my own behind an absolutely psychotic 75 year old, butch, lesbian on welfare (more on that later).

3. I grew a weird, sort of furry/fleshy tail.

4. No, I really didn’t. You guys are soooooo gullible, honestly.

5. The reason I wanted to write this post is actually super selfish, because I woke up this morning with LEGITIMATELY the largest ever zit documented, on my chin. And I considered calling in sick to work because when people look at me I want to cry and punch them in the face (consider yourself lucky Guy-Who-Sold-Me-Coffee-This-Morning). And then I wanted to share my horrible circumstances with the world. And THEN I thought, “Didn’t there used to be this public arena where I shared my inappropriate, crass thoughts and feelings with my closest friends and strangers?”. Oh ya. My blog.

6. My hair is still curly, don’t worry.

7. This morning I ran 3 miles, I’m basically an athlete now.

8. We elected a black man president! Oh wait... when was that, again?

9. I knocked up a goat. Not literally, but ya. That’s a post for another day.

10. Missed you.